Wo+

Element: WOMEN
Symbol: Wo+
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Boils at room temperature.
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by that.
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.

TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARD
Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.

!! WARNING !!

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS.

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African Proverbs

“When a man is stung by a bee, he doesn’t set off to destroy all beehives” – Kenya

“The man who marries a beautiful woman, and the farmer who grows corn by the roadside have the same problem” – Ethiopia.

“A short man is not a boy” – Nigeria

“No matter how hot your anger is, it cannot cook yams” – Nigeria.

“It requires a lot of carefulness to kill the fly that perches on the scrotum” – Ghana

“If the throat can grant passage to a knife, the anus should wonder how to expel it” – Seychelles.

“The frown on the face of the goat will not stop it from being taken to the market” – Nigeria.

“An old lady feels uneasy when dry bones are mentioned in a proverb” – Ghana.

“The same sun that melts the wax, hardens the clay” – Niger.

“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there” – Uganda

“There’s no virgin in a maternity ward” – Cameroon

“A child can play with its mother’s breasts, but not its father’s testicles” – Guinea

And the best from Gambia

“A woman who knows her husband’s whereabouts at all times……….spends much time in the cemetery!”

Why did the chicken cross the road?

This is pretty old, now with Kenyan twist.

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

OBAMA: Because, YES IT CAN!

MARTIN LUTHER KING (JR): … I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

OPRAH / TYRA: Why does a chicken cross a road? Was it molested while still a chick? I mean, what kind of upbringing did it have? We need to invite the chicken to a share with us what happened.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

GEORGE W. BUSH (JR): The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

ISAAC NEWTON: Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken’s motion

NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

ROBERT MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the road less chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop until all road less chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross them.

Kenyan twist

ALFRED MUTUA: The chicken did not cross the road. And it is not true it was running away from the Kwekwe squad! What squad? This is a complete fabrication. We don’t even have a chicken! The government views these allegations seriously and will leave no stone unturned to establish the source of these rumors.

ANY KENYAN POLITICIAN: “From which tribe is the chicken? Our community has been marginalized for far too long – others have had their chance and it is now the turn of our chicken to eat!”

RAILA ODINGA: Both me and President Kibaki had been telephoned about the chicken. Si sisi iko na demokrasia na tunataka wacha kuku apite, sio? Si kuku tosha?! (Are we not a democratic country and let the chicken cross? Isn’t the chicken enough?!)

EMILIO MWAI KIBAKI: Kuku ilivuka pale pale, ikienda huko huko…….. na hilo ndio jambo la maana ….hakuna mambo ingine!…hakunaaaa…..na tutakataa namna gani ati kuku isivuke barabara …hatuweziii ..na hao wanaendelea kuongea mambo ya kukuuu….ni wapumbavuuu… …..mavi ya hiyo kuku!!! (The chicken crossed there there, it went here here….and that is the matter of manner…and there is no other matter!..there isn’t….and we will deny how the chicken cannot cross the road….we cannot..and those who keep on talking about the matter of the chicken..are fools….they are chicken shit!!!)

KAJWANG: Our immigration system at the border point was down when the chicken entered out territory (laughs). We don’t even know who invited it! But we will deport it! However, we have no funds for its deportation.

SAITOTI: Let me tell you clearly (waving a finger in the air), there comes a time when a chicken is far more important than an individual.

JIMMI GATHU: Je, ilikuwa na mpaaaango wa kandooo? (Did it have a side business?)

PLO LUMUMBA: That an animal species of the poultry extraction was witnessed gallivanting, nay, actually sauntering contentedly across a motorway belies our preponderant propensity to keep on our wanton questioning of others’ motives.

Harvard MBA

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long.” they answered in unison.

“Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?”

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.

“But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life.”

The tourist interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”

“And after that?”

“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”

“How long would that take?”

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years.” replied the tourist.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? Well my friend, that’s when it gets really interesting, “answered the tourist, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?” asked the fishermen.

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”

“With all due respect sir, but that’s exactly what we are doing now. So what’s the point wasting twenty-five years?” asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:
Know where you’re going in life…. you may already be there. 🙂

Credit crunch

It’s a slow day in a little northern town called Maghull. There’s a chill in the air, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a well to do type of guy is driving through town. He stops at a local hotel and lays a ツ」50 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms as he wants to spend a night in the town.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the ツ」50 and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the ツ」50 and runs down the street to settle his debt to the farmer.

The farmer takes the ツ」50 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of his animal feed.

The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op seizes the ツ」50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.

She in turn dashes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the ツ」50 note back on the counter to await the return of the well to do guy.

A few minutes later the guy returned to the desk, says the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the ツ」50 and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, everyone concerned is now out of debt and now looks to the future with great optimism.

Source: via email