Posted in Humour++

The Kenyan and the Canadian lawyer

A Canadian lawyer and a Kenyan businessman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The Canadian lawyer is thinking that Kenyans are so dumb that he can fool them easy. So the Canadian lawyer asks if the Kenyan would like to play a fun game.

The Kenyan is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Canadian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

‘I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.’

This catches the Kenyan’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The Canadian lawyer asks the first question.

‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’

The Kenyan doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the Canadian lawyer. Now, it’s the Kenyan’s turn.

He asks the Canadian lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

The Canadian lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the net and even the Library of Capital Hill. He sends e-mails to all the smart Canadian friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Kenyan and hands him $500.

The Kenyan pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep. The Canadian lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Kenyan up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The Kenyan reaches in his pocket, hands the Canadian lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Source: via email

Posted in Humour++

The Blonde and Bob

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.”

The blond replied, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.

Bob took the money……

Source: via email

Posted in Humour++

Women – Impossible

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!!!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. …. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband…

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. ‘ Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – ‘You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!!!!

Send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth !!!!!

*********

Source: via email, copied as it is.

Posted in Humour++

Men vs. Women

Friendship between women:
A woman did not come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:
A man did not come home on night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over at their place, and two claimed that he was still there!

Source: The Standard, under “Humour Quotes”.

Posted in Humour++

World Economics

Traditional Economics
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

Indian Economics
You have two cows.
You worship them.
Oh and you fight with all your might to prevent the Pakistanis from getting anywhere near them!

Pakistan Economics
You don’t have any cows.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs, and Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim exploitation by the developed world.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you and you start a long, bitter fight to reclaim “your property”……

American Economics
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You start a “shock and awe” campaign against that nation.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

French Economics
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

German Economics
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

British Economics
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

Italian Economics
You have two cows.
You don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.

Swiss Economics
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

Japanese Economics
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are 1/10TH the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

Russian Economics
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

Chinese Economics
You declare it the Year of the Red Cow.
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers…

Nigerian Economics
Me broda yo…..
You come up with a very lucrative deal to export cows.
You don’t actually have any cows but manage to somehow get a deposit from the farmer on the deal.
You hire a cow from somewhere and export it to the farmer, but not before it ingest some “high performance nutrient pellets”.
You sell the cow but only after you have passed the airport and somehow extracted the high nutrient pellets.
You deliver the cow which dies within days.
By then you have already moved 3 continents away and started the process all over again.
(Well done oh!)

Tanzanian Economics
You have two cows, you borrow two cows.
No one feeds them.
You hire expatriates to confirm starvation.
You hire South African expatriate veterinarians to feed the cows.
You deny the Kenyan veterinarians (who would cost much less than the South Africans) work permits.
You claim neo-colonialism!

Ugandan Economics
You get the guerrilla cow from the bush.
It starts off by being quite productive.
The guerrilla cow “styles up” and moves in to take control of the farm.
The guerrilla cow becomes savvy and outsmarts all other cows on the farm.
It arrests other cows for treason and rape.
The guerrilla cow then unofficially declares itself Leader of the National Farm Movement and changes the constitution to give itself an extra term in office.

Kenyan Economics
You have two cows.
You slaughter both of them. You organize a large nyama choma bash complete with a one man guitar.
Your bash irks the neighbours who cause a scene (Lucy Kibaki style) and generates scandal in the local papers for at least a week.
You blame the former President and his regime for any shortages or shortcomings.
You start a Commission of Inquiry to look into the matter, then vow to have radical surgery to address the plight of those lost cows.
You hire Kroll and Associates to recover those lost (or dead cows) from the stomachs of those who ate them.
You ignore their findings and constitute a Committee of Eminent Persons to look at the issue afresh.
You ask donor partners to give another two cows …………to eat!

Source: via email

Posted in Humour++

By all means Marry!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my(Future) wife treats me (Married GUYS) like toxic waste.
– David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
– Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
– Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
– Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
– Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
– Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
– Henny Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
– Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
– James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
– Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
– Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
– Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
– Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
– Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
– Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
– Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Source: via email